


shades of grey meaning that turn out so sweetly

by everystarfall



Category: His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: F/M, Gen, Post-Canon, Yuletide 2008
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-04
Updated: 2011-09-04
Packaged: 2017-10-23 10:18:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everystarfall/pseuds/everystarfall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of The Amber Spyglass, Lyra tries to figure out one question to ask the alethiometer about Will.</p>
            </blockquote>





	shades of grey meaning that turn out so sweetly

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Yuletide 2008. Title from "The Answer" by Automatic Loveletter. Unbeta-ed.

"The owl, maybe," Lyra thought aloud.

Pan made a movement like a shrug.

"What, owls are like wisdom, right? Mr. Scoresby told us those stories about the warrior goddess and her owl. I think it could be the owl," she continued, as if trying to convince them both. She'd already decided the hourglass meant 'time', that seemed plain enough. The hardest part still was figuring out which symbol meant Will. What should she even try to think of? Boy? Man? Friend? Love? Knifewielder? Will meant so many things, not just to her, but in the grand design of their adventures; how could she choose just one symbol to represent him?

"Maybe the question you should ask first is 'which symbol means Will' then," Pan suggested lazily, trying to sun himself on the ridge of the roof. It had been a rare nice day in spring, with the sun teasing them by peeking out of the clouds between showers. Pan had wanted to play, but Lyra was determined to figure out this question, so they compromised by working with the alethiometer outside on the roof.

"That's dumb, Pan, and you know it," Lyra snapped, tossing an acorn in his direction. "This questions is hard enough and I already know the answer." She paused. "Maybe." She shifted around, trying to get comfortable against the roof tiles. "And anyway, how could I ask what symbol Will is if I en't got a symbol for him?" She frowned. How had she spent so much time up here before? It was uncomfortable and boring now. Everything had been so much easier before.

"Well can't you just try one, see what it says? And haven't you got a trunk full of books on this anyway?" Pan's voice was sharp; he was easily bored when Lyra became serious and focused.

"Pan, don't be silly, if I ask with a symbol that's wrong, I'm asking a different question, en't I? And then I won't understand the answer, either. Or if I do, I still don't know what was the question!"

In response, Pan snuffled.

"Besides," Lyra continued. "What'm I meant to look up in a book? They en't got a dictionary of symbols for every person in the world." Pause. "Worlds."

Pan cleaned his paws for a moment before flowing along the roof to Lyra and nuzzling his head against her side. "Are you sure you'll know the answer to the this question, anyway?" he asked quietly.

Lyra sighed. That had been the point. Ask a question she knew the answer to; maybe it would help her understand the symbols again. She pat Pan absently and laid the alethiometer carefully on the velvet bag in her lap. "Your idea," she muttered, and picked up a stone from the gutter to drop into puddles in the courtyard below.

Pan nuzzled once more before pouncing up to run along the roof, relieved to play.

** ** **

Lyra threw the alethiometer onto her pillow and stamped her foot in frustration. It was childish, but then, everything had been easier when she had been childish. When she had been a child. Before this whole adventure. Maybe if she could recreate that, act like she had before, maybe she could recreate her understanding of the compass symbols. Not that she believed that, honestly, but, again, it was easier.

"I think you're just blocking yourself," intoned Pan. Lyra bared her teeth at him, feeling a pang of longing for Iorek. He'd always had a way of making even the worst situations seem alright. As had Will.

"What am I blocking, then, if you're so wise?" she challenged, sliding to the floor and facing Pan on the windowsill. He ruffled his fur and preened a moment before responding, as if enjoying to keep Lyra in suspense.

"It's because you don't want to get the answer. Or you want it to be different."

Lyra climbed up off the floor and gathered Pan in her arms, burying her face in his thick, soft fur and forgiving him for knowing her so well. "Well, why wouldn't I. I don't want a bad answer like it's gonna be. And really, what's the point? I should just study and ask boring questions like they want me to." She jerked her head towards the door and the rest of the college.

"You won't," said Pan, snuggling. "You want to see if it's a different answer."

"It won't be." She didn't convince either of them.

** ** **

"Maybe it's not the owl."

"I never thought so," Pan said haughtily from the same windowsill the next day.

"I mean, maybe it en't 'wisdom' at all. Like, I'm asking a question, en't I? Just that should mean I'm looking for wisdom. So I need time, and Will. Maybe I just need one that means 'see'." Lyra bit her lip. 'See' or 'touch' or 'hold'.

"Best not push your luck," said Pan. Lyra grumbled but didn't reply. There were so many symbols, and she knew, she remembered, that each one had several meanings. Obvious ones and secret hidden ones. Ones that meant something if you asked one question, but not if you asked another. Sometimes she wondered if the symbols meant different things depending on who was asking. That might explain why there were so many books - and why they didn't seem to be all that much help.

"So... what means 'seeing'?" She asked aloud, hoping Pan would think of it like a game and help her.

"Eyes?"

"There isn't one that's just eyes."

"Which ones've got eyes then?"

"Loads, Pan."

"Alright. How 'bout 'light' then? Can't see without light."

"The sun? The candle?"

"Can't see much with a candle."

"Pan, why is this so hard?!" Lyra buried her head in her blanket and punched her pillow. She was running out of time; she'd promised the masters that she'd try it her way for a month. Just one month, then she'd study properly. It wasn't that she didn't want to study - for once she was interested in what people had to say in books, what she could learn, how they explained how the alethiometer worked. How the alethiometer worked, full stop. But it still stung that her gift for reading it had been taken away through no fault of her own or anyone's. Nobody was mentioning it, nobody was reminding her, but it was hard to forget. Why, if she hadn't been able to read it, she would've been dead a hundred times over by now. And Will... she didn't even know. Probably dead too. Iorek for certain. And all the good they'd done, well they wouldn't have been able to. Was it so wrong to miss that ability?

"A window?" Pan suggested through her tantrum. Lyra turned to look out her own window. Blossoms were beginning to fall when the wind blew.

"There en't a window, but... c'mon." She hopped up off the bed and held out her arm to Pan, who climbed gracefully onto it, no questions asked.

** ** **

The sun was shining through the clouds again when they got to the Botanic Garden. Lyra realized she hadn't been down there in a while, and she wondered if it had to do with this idea, this question she'd been trying to ask, this answer she'd been trying to avoid. She sat down on the bench, watching Pan run around the garden chasing leaves and blossoms and feathers. She felt like they'd both been cooped up inside for ages. Inside where, she wasn't sure.

Lyra held her breath and set the hands of the alethiometer. She still wasn't sure of the symbols, but she needed to try something. Anything. Placing the compass in her lap, she closed her eyes and put her hands by her legs, palms down and fingers trembling.

** ** **

A lifetime away in that very moment, Will guided his mother over to the bench in the Botanic Garden. The rain had finally stopped and a hint of a rainbow was arcing up over the city. It was good to get out, it was good to take his mother somewhere; he'd left her too long.

"What's that? What's that. Marted mart mart'n," she was mumbling, and Will tried to follow her eyes to see what she was seeing.

"What is it, mum, what do you see?"

"Mart'n," she repeated.

"I don't see anything, just leaves caught in the wind."

"Marten," she whispered.

Will sighed and sat back against the bench, patting his mother on the shoulder. A blossom had fallen from the tree and landed on Will's lap, delicate as a touch. He moved to brush it off, but instead he closed his hand over it gently, and leaned over to kiss his mother on the cheek. "Shall we sit for a bit?"

** ** **

A lifetime away in that very moment, Lyra let out a breath and opened her eyes, not bothering to look at where the hands of the compass were pointing. Pan abandoned the leaf he'd been chasing and scampered over to her.

"Do you know now?" He put his paws up on his shoulder to nuzzle her face since she had not moved her hands to pet him.

Lyra smiled and kissed his nose. "Yes. I know."

** ** ** FIN ** ** **


End file.
